1:51 a.m. - 2006-11-29
Withdrawl
There are so many things to keep for yourself. Money, blood, affection. I have taken it upon myself to retreat from society for, well I'm not really sure what for. For the longest time I haven't even admitted that I'm doing anything. Inaction is an action. Not doing something is actually doing something. And you're never done not doing it. I have thought in the past that I desire more social contact, but now I'm not so sure. If I really did I would have sought it out by now, right? Maybe I'm just one of those people who isn't able to be with someone else. Is it selfishness? Perhaps. Self-loathing? Definitely. Until very recently, I have absolutely hated myself. No not hate, more insidiously, I have been absolutely indifferent toward myself. I have distracted myself with food, music and TV! Anything to stay in this personal shroud that I've been tatting unconsciously. I'm scared to be out in the world and some days I don't know if I'm even able. Why am I 36 and feeling like this? I Am a Rock? Hardly! How Soon is Now? Fuck if I know... I do know that it must end at some point. Either I will burn all of my bridges and stay in exile, or maybe, just maybe, I'll venture out into the world and ask for (and accept that I am worthy of) LOVE, RESPECT and FIDELITY!!! Can I get an Amen?
No, well it never hurts to ask!
