10:01 p.m. - 2006-10-30
Angle-o-phile
Manipulation. I wish I knew why I feel the need to come at things in such an indirect fashion. No, I know why I do it. I know no other way. My family never taught me to value or even identify my needs. I certainly couldn't ask for anything I wanted, so I buried the feelings so deep that I couldn't even admit that they existed.
I want to be worthy of love. I deserve to feel wanted. I must have a purpose in life.
Direct, open, honest, sincere. Feeling and wanting. Needing and having. I'm tired of accumulating facts as if they are going to be my savior. There is no substitute for emotion. My brain hurts at the thought of more work on myself. I'm weary and I need sleep. Actual sleep, not unconsciousness!
The pills aren't working. If they ever could. I use them as a crutch (and an expensive one at that). Better living through chemistry, indeed.
How, many, commas, is, too, many? I think in digressions and subclauses. Keep it plain: NOTICE ME! LOVE ME! ACCEPT ME!
