5:19 a.m. - 2007-10-21
Last Orders at the Liar's Bar
Things don't necessarily always get better, but they will definitely not get better if I don't change them. Having just wasted another Saturday night at the bar, I'm sat here reeking of smoke, soberish and wondering why I thought it wouldn't end that way. It has before and, sadly, perhaps always will. Hours of stilted conversation with a friend of 25 years who just may not give a shit about me anymore has a way of putting me in a bad mood. I can understand that people grow apart and he definitely has a lot on his plate, but it isn't like I have a surplus of old friends hanging around (or new friends for that matter). I've tried the casual sex thing and hated it. I've yearned and pined for various and sundry barstaff. I've drunk and been drunk so much that it might be time for me to take another 13 year break. And finally, I've come to the realization that that life just doesn't appeal to me. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive enough to think that I would find someone at a bar, but as it's been my only social outlet, finally admitting it to myself feels like a door audibly slamming shut.
Call me an irreversible pessimist (nevermind, I've already done it myself), but life's supposed to be too short, right? Isn't that what they always say? It's not, though. Not by a damn sight. Life is one long endless lurch toward... I don't know what, but hopefully something different. I can't imagine feeling the way I feel for much longer without doing something...
