4:57 a.m. - 2007-05-08
Ailing, Flailing, Failing
I've slept past every wake up call I've ever received. I know one is tolling for me right now and yet, I don't feel compelled to get up and heed the fucking thing. No, I'm much more content to lie here, fat and bored, consumed by a crushing familiarity. As long as I've got the internet and HBO and a cable modem to download movies and TV shows, I'm all set. While I can gorge on fast food endlessly and even the occasional morsels of healthy food I come across, I'm all set. Drunken and insolent on the one night a week that I venture out in public and even then I only really talk to someone that I've know for 25 years. Someone closer to me than my own brother, of course I've never told him that. Miserable, mired and wishing it won't always be thus. The problem I foresee is this: I've procrastinated so long that it seems a monumental task to simply get a decent paying job to support myself in the short term. Not to mention that I will need some sort of schooling to have a shot at not just "getting by" in a job that I hate. Work and school, supporting myself (emotionally and financially for the first time) terrifies me and paralyzes me such that I can't even conceive of doing either.
So, to sum up:
A. I'm desperate
B. I'm terrified
C. The very real possibility exists that I might become homeless
D. I can't afford to stay on my medication, let alone see my shrink
E. I should be panicing and bloody well doing something to prevent this trainwreck
F. I'm still just sitting here at this computer, lulled into a waking slumber by shiny things and junk food
G. I can't seem to leave the house!
