4:03 a.m. - 2008-07-18
What's so special about 38?
Not sure, I've only been 38 for a few moments now, I'll have to get back to you on that one, diary.0)
I initially thought that I had turned a corner on this "thing", but for the last two weeks now, I haven't been sure. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why it left. I don't know if it'll stay gone. I do feel more hopeful than I have in the last couple years. That's something to be grateful for, and I am.
I do need to get over this idea of a "future". It doesn't exist. It never will and if it did (the way I sorta think I want it to) it would be a total fucking disaster. I know that. My dreamer is busted (perhaps from overuse after years of continued neglect) and I can't trust my instincts or feelings. This I also know, but sometimes late at night I give in to the temptation to indulge myself in the fantasy. Sad? Maybe, but if I stop daydreaming at midnight, I'll have to accept the stultifying nothingness that is my daily existence. Enough.
For today, I know this: I'm 38; I am blessed with relative and ever improving(physical) health; I am loved by a small but loyal cadre of friends and family and my loneliness will end as soon as I decide to make it. That and that The Dark Knight opens today. And really, how bad can a new year be when it opens with a Batman movie? I'll let you know...
